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- The Teachers We Choose—and the Ones That Choose Us
The Teachers We Choose—and the Ones That Choose Us
What if your greatest growth is hidden inside what you resist most?
There is a concept that has been circling my awareness for some time.
It has been expressed differently by various spiritual teachers, but recently it came to life in a new way for me when my friend Tucker Boyle spoke about it on his podcast (link to podcast episode). Tucker also runs Harmony Road Retreats, a non-profit dedicated to creating compassionate settings where those experiencing faith challenges can heal, learn, and grow.
Understanding Chosen and Given Teachers
The idea revolves around two types of teachers life presents to us: chosen teachers and given teachers. Understanding this distinction helps us recognize the different ways we grow and learn in life, actively seeking wisdom versus navigating life's unexpected lessons.
Tucker describes chosen teachers as those "we actively seek—people who inspire us, guide us, and invite us into greater depth."
Conversely, he defines given teachers as those "we don’t ask for. In fact, we often resist them. They come in the form of challenging people, difficult circumstances, unexpected losses, or everyday frustrations. These are the teachers life assigns to us—and often, we’d rather return the assignment."
This idea resonated with me and I’ve spent some meaningful time reflecting on it.
I'd like to share some of my chosen and given teachers, inviting you to also consider who your chosen and given teachers might be.
My Chosen Teachers
My chosen teachers include:
Thomas McConkie
John Kesler
Terri O’Fallon & Kimberly Lafferty
Ken Wilber
Cynthia Bourgeault
Shinzen Young
Yeshua (commonly known today as Jesus)
The wisdom and lived teachings of these individuals have impacted my life in ways difficult to fully articulate. Words in a newsletter can hardly convey the depth of my gratitude, respect, and appreciation for each of them.
My Given Teachers
Turning now to the other type, the "given teachers"—the teachers we never sought.
For me, these have included:
Chronic physical pain
Challenging family relationships
Parenting a severely autistic child
However, given teachers are not always monumental challenges. They can also appear as smaller, everyday frustrations, like unexpected delays, minor conflicts, or simple inconveniences, that teach patience and resilience.
This concept of given teachers reminds me of a passage from the book "The Science of Enlightenment," where Shinzen Young, who spent extensive time in rigorous monastic training, shares an idea that resonates with me. Paraphrasing Shinzen's insight in my own words:
"Although not everyone’s life conditions allow them to go to the monastery for monastic training, if you pay close attention, during the course of one’s life, sooner or later, circumstances will arise where the monastery is going to come to you... What matters is if you can relate to it that way."
Reading these words from Shinzen instantly shifted my perspective, especially regarding my relationship with my oldest son, who is nonverbal and severely autistic.
Previously, the challenges of being a special-needs parent often put my nervous system into a defensive fight-or-flight state. But realizing that my son is actually my greatest spiritual teacher instantly changed my outlook. This experience highlights how embracing unexpected challenges can lead any of us toward meaningful personal growth, deeper empathy, and greater resilience.
Embracing Discomfort: Personal and Collective Growth
As much as I cherish my chosen teachers, I've found that the given teachers facilitate the most significant growth. They are where I take the wisdom from my chosen teachers and apply it practically, creating real-world impacts.
The given teachers often push me into discomfort, yet I've come to understand that almost everything I truly desire lies on the other side of discomfort.
Leaning into this discomfort frequently transforms my reality.
On a macro scale, humanity itself seems to be navigating its own given teachers. We are facing systemic disruptions, increased polarization, economic uncertainty, and technological revolutions. Each of these invite collective reflection, growth, and a shift into a liminal space.
Just as personal discomfort can yield profound transformation, societal discomfort has the potential to guide us toward new collective understanding and more resilient, interconnected systems.
Interestingly, given teachers can sometimes become chosen teachers, such as when my journey as a special-needs parent transformed from an overwhelming burden into a consciously embraced path of spiritual and emotional growth, revealing that perhaps these two concepts aren't entirely separate after all.
The Invitation
This week, I encourage you to identify your chosen and given teachers, and spend some time contemplating what lessons they might be offering you.
I want to express gratitude to my teachers. I would also like to thank all of you who subscribe to and support this newsletter, I am grateful for you and I want the best for each and every one of you.
May your chosen and given teachers conspire together to bless you!
-Matt
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